Ditch the Need to Be Liked: Mastering Authority in Your Coaching Practice
Ditch the Need to Be Liked: Mastering Authority in Your Coaching Practice
In the world of coaching, the need to be liked can be a silent killer of success. Coaches often fall into the trap of people-pleasing, prioritizing approval over the results they were hired to deliver. While being approachable and empathetic is a valuable part of the coaching relationship, prioritizing likability can erode respect, stifle transformation, and ultimately harm your business.
In a recent episode of The Amanda Kaufman Show, we explored this vital topic with Chris Marr, a seasoned business coach and author of The Authoritative Coach. Chris shared powerful insights into how coaches can step into their authority, challenge clients effectively, and achieve better outcomes by prioritizing self-respect over external validation.
Why the Need to Be Liked Holds You Back
At its core, people-pleasing is rooted in fear—fear of rejection, fear of conflict, and fear of losing clients. Chris explained that this fear can manifest as avoiding tough conversations, tolerating bad-fit clients, or discounting your rates to appease others. While these behaviors may feel like acts of kindness, they undermine your authority as a coach.
Chris shared a crucial perspective: “If your need to be liked comes first, you risk never being respected. But when respect comes first, being liked often follows.” Respect allows clients to see you as a guide capable of challenging their limitations, rather than someone who simply agrees with them to maintain harmony.
The Role of Self-Respect in Becoming an Authoritative Coach
The foundation of authority is self-respect. As Chris pointed out, your clients can never respect you more than you respect yourself. This self-respect begins with setting boundaries, knowing your worth, and saying no to things that don’t align with your values or vision.
Amanda Kaufman echoed this sentiment, reflecting on her own journey as a coach. “I used to say yes to everything and everyone,” she shared. “But when I started prioritizing what mattered most to me—my vision, my values—I found it easier to step into my authority and attract the right clients.”
To build self-respect as a coach:
Set Clear Boundaries: Define what you will and won’t tolerate in your coaching practice. Whether it’s avoiding discounts or turning down bad-fit clients, boundaries are a vote of confidence in yourself.
Stop Seeking Validation: Look inward for approval rather than relying on external sources. Focus on delivering value and trusting that the right clients will recognize it.
Prioritize Long-Term Respect: Accept that being respected sometimes means making hard decisions or having uncomfortable conversations.
How People-Pleasing Harms Your Clients
While people-pleasing may feel like the “nice” thing to do, it can prevent your clients from reaching their full potential. Chris explained that clients often hire coaches because they lack a “challenge network”—someone to push them, call them out, and hold them accountable.
“If you’re afraid to say what needs to be said because you don’t want to upset the client, you’re doing them a disservice,” Chris said. “Transformation comes from challenge, not comfort.”
By prioritizing likability, coaches risk letting important issues fester, avoiding tough conversations, and allowing clients to stagnate. This ultimately leads to dissatisfaction, with clients feeling like they haven’t achieved the promised transformation.
Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing
If you recognize people-pleasing tendencies in yourself, don’t despair. Here are three actionable steps Chris recommends to break free and step into your authority as a coach:
Identify and Eliminate Tolerations: Take stock of the behaviors, clients, or habits you’ve been tolerating that no longer serve you. Whether it’s a client who constantly pushes boundaries or a habit of offering discounts, make the decision to stop.
Set Firm Boundaries: Establish clear guidelines for your coaching practice and communicate them confidently. This might include sticking to your rates, refusing to take on clients who aren’t a good fit, or setting stricter time management rules.
Take Action to Build Self-Respect: Every time you enforce a boundary or say no to something misaligned, you’re casting a vote for yourself. These small actions compound over time, building your confidence and authority.
Why Authority Attracts the Right Clients
When you show up with authority, you naturally attract clients who respect and value your guidance. Chris emphasized that authority doesn’t mean being harsh or unkind—it means being honest, direct, and committed to your client’s success, even when it requires tough love.
Amanda added that stepping into your authority can also save you from burnout. “When you work with clients who respect you and your boundaries, the relationship feels lighter, more productive, and more enjoyable.”
Authority is the Key to Sustainable Coaching Success
If you’ve been caught in the cycle of people-pleasing, it’s time to break free. Embracing authority is not about being cold or distant—it’s about creating an environment where respect and transformation thrive. As Chris shared, “You don’t need to be your client’s friend to be the coach they need. They hired you to push them, not to be pushed by them.”
So, ask yourself: Are you prioritizing being liked over being respected? If so, it’s time to take a step back, build your self-respect, and commit to showing up as the authoritative coach your clients deserve.
Ready to Step Into Your Authority?
If you’re ready to ditch the need to be liked and start building the coaching business you’ve always envisioned, here are some resources to help you get started:
📕 Want our free Thrive & Scale Expert Blueprint? Grab your copy here: https://thecoachesplaza.com/the-thrive-and-scale-blueprint
🎙️ Podcast: Dive deep into success strategies with The Amanda Kaufman Show Listen here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-amanda-kaufman-show/id1450993176
📸 Instagram: Follow Amanda for daily motivation and behind-the-scenes content Follow here: https://www.instagram.com/theamandakaufman
💼 LinkedIn: Connect and follow here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amandackaufman/
👥 Facebook: Join The Coaches That Don't Suck Free Facebook Group Join here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thecoachsplaza
Stepping into your authority might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s the key to becoming the coach you were meant to be—and helping your clients achieve the transformation they deserve.
Full Transcript
Chris Marr (00:00)
like I had a client one time say this to me. was like, look, if I'm working with a coach or a consultant and as a client, I feel like I need to push you the coach. That's a problem.
you should be pushing me. And so it's trying to figure out very, get really clear in your heads. This is my job. Like I'm the only person that can behave like this. I'm the only person. A lot of people that we work with our clients, they don't have a challenge network. They don't have someone that challenges them. You are that person. That's your job. You're uniquely positioned to be that person and they need you to be that person. Even if they never tell you that's what they want.
Amanda Kaufman (00:13)
Mm-hmm.
Well, hello and welcome back to the Amanda Kaufman show. And I am so excited about continuing our next session on the Coaches That Don't Suck series with my friend Chris Marr. Chris, welcome to the show.
Chris Marr (01:14)
Hey, thanks for having me. love this topic. It's great. It's exciting.
Amanda Kaufman (01:20)
my gosh, it's so good. So Chris is from Dundee, Scotland, and he is a business coach with over 15 years of experience. Starting in sales and marketing, he became a certified They Ask You Answer coach, working alongside Marcus Sheridan for the past decade. Chris has helped seven and eight figure businesses worldwide improve their sales, marketing, and leadership, driving growth and traffic, leads, and profits. Some of my favorite things.
And he now focuses on empowering leaders, coaches and consultants to break free from people pleasing the habits associated with that and to implement authoritative practices for exceptional client outcomes and business success. My goodness, Chris, I have been looking forward to this for weeks.
Chris Marr (02:07)
Wow. Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Thanks for having me.
Amanda Kaufman (02:13)
So good. So Chris, you recently wrote a book called The Authoritative Coach. And I know this because you're very consistent on your social media with demonstrating that and showing it. Can you just give us a little sound bite about what's the book? And I'm really wanting to know, why did you write that? Like of all the things that you could help people with, given your extensive experience and expertise, why are we talking about people pleasing habits?
Chris Marr (02:41)
Well, so the book was written as an output from doing a lot of coaching. So the book's kind of like a curated version of some of the main lessons I learned as I was coaching. And those lessons were pulled out from the things that I felt that were interesting about my style in coaching that were slightly different. So it was a unique perspective.
And the name, the name of the book, the theme of the book, the sort of framework for the book, all kind of took place organically as I was trying to find out how to package this idea. And so it was like a combination of writing a lot for about a year and then figuring out like what all of that meant. So a lot of people write books, they already know the title of the book, they already know the through line of the book before they write the book.
Amanda Kaufman (03:35)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (03:35)
this was done the exact opposite way, which was I'd already done the writing and then I had to figure out what the theme was and what it all meant and how it all came together. And this idea of like authoritative, of course, was quite deliberate because I had to find a place for myself, this brand, this idea in the market. And a lot of the sort of ideas that I had were the original ideas or some of the ideas I was playing with were kind of already taken.
Amanda Kaufman (03:44)
interesting.
Chris Marr (04:04)
like so there's the transformational coach or the indispensable coach or whatever. And I sort of landed on this word authoritative because, and although the words quite difficult to say and reasonably difficult to spell and quite unique in some ways, I've had a few people say to me, you know, maybe you should think of something different. Like people don't use this word. And I thought, well, that's actually a great opportunity for me to, to pick a, pick a lane.
Amanda Kaufman (04:04)
Hmm.
Chris Marr (04:33)
And now what happens is people say to me, this is exactly what I want. I want to be more authoritative. And so it's funny to talk about the book because it kind of happened all quite organically as opposed to like a deliberate thought process of like, I'm going to write this book and it's going to be called this and it's going to look like this and it's going to have this stuff in it. And instead it was more like, what am I doing with all of this? And what does it all mean?
Amanda Kaufman (04:40)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (05:00)
And what's the through line through this writing that I've been doing for this last year. And it became more a project of curation about how to package up the idea. And that's where the book came from. Yeah. So it's just a, that's the, that's the truth of it. I'd love to tell you that it was very deliberate, but I'd be lying if I said that.
Amanda Kaufman (05:10)
I love this.
Yeah, I appreciate it too. I came from a corporate background myself, so my first thoughts as I became an entrepreneur were, okay, what's the SOP? What are the processes, the swim lanes, the step-by-step? What's the most optimal, the leading practice, way to do this? And the reality was that when I broke free of that and I just...
Chris Marr (05:37)
I'm right.
Amanda Kaufman (05:48)
served and I let people, you know, I actually was a niche-less coach for a while, you know, just serve people with a heartbeat and an interest in making some growth in their life.
That's what ultimately led me back to working with my fellow friend coaches because I did have so much of this business background that I could really offer forward, but it was almost like I had to go on that wandering quest to find out what I liked, what I didn't like, what was interesting, what was not interesting. I love your characterization of it as being curation. So so you you very specifically like called out this people pleasing habit or this people
people pleasing behavior that you see. And look, you're already lit up. So talk to me a little bit about your perspectives there. Like how is it that this people pleasing tendency is holding coaches back?
Chris Marr (06:43)
Well, so what I've realized was when I, it's good because talking about the book, it's like really the theme of the book was realizing that, well, by the time someone reads the book, they should realize that their need to be liked is holding them back from doing their best work. And not only that, their need to be liked is actually holding their clients back from being successful at their highest potential as well. And so this is a good example. It's like when you're with a client as a coach or a consultant and you...
Amanda Kaufman (06:57)
Hmm.
Chris Marr (07:11)
you feel like you can't say what needs to be said because of fear of risking the relationship or you're going to annoy them or you're going to, you know, they're going to get frustrated with you. Your fear of all of that, then your behavior becomes, I'm not going to say what needs to be said. I'm going to sweep it under the carpet. I'm going to let that thing, that little thing fester. And then the next thing you know, the client's saying, you know what, this isn't working for me anymore.
I can't really put my finger on why I like you. Chris, I like you, but this isn't valuable for me anymore. And that's what we're trying to get like understanding that that is that happens all the time. Your clients are leaving you too early before they get to the point of trans of transformation. They aren't doing the work that they're supposed to do. They're making mistakes that they shouldn't be making and they're not making as much progress as they should be making. And so you're this
this people pleasing tendency, this need to be liked is stopping you from being the high performing coach or consultant that you need to be that your clients actually want you to be. And so it's all this internal stuff, the fear, anxiety of like, what if I frustrate someone? What if I annoy someone? What if I like, they don't like me? What if they don't like me? And it's like, you're not like, can be, you can be friendly, but you don't need to be their friend.
And what I started to understand was that not only is your need to like, need to be like holding you back, what you, what you start to realize is that your need to be liked is actually risking you ever gaining any respect from your clients ever. And so I asked clients this, this, you know, this question, which is like, if you had to choose, would you rather be liked or would you rather be respected? And the truth is we're all human. We want both.
Amanda Kaufman (08:39)
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (09:06)
The challenge for us as coaches, if we want to turn up authoritatively, say what needs to be said, challenge our clients and really challenge them to do their best work and get out of their own story, get out of their own way, we have to realize that actually what needs to come first is respect with a high chance that liked comes later. And so it's getting them in order. So your need to be liked first risks you never being respected ever.
Amanda Kaufman (09:26)
Yeah.
Chris Marr (09:34)
you come in with the need to be respected and you behave in that manner with high self-respect, then perhaps liked comes later, but you don't risk the respect. so our clients, we want our clients to respect us for the right reasons because they're like, well, Chris has helped us to see that we need to solve this problem and we need to do it in this way. And we respect Chris and we respect his leadership. So...
We're going to do the work. We're going to show up. We're going to prove to Chris what we're capable of, et cetera, et cetera. And so that's where this authoritative presence comes from is your ability to get over yourself, realize that this is not about you. And this is actually about, like I had a client one time say this to me. was like, look, if I'm working with a coach or a consultant and as a client, I feel like I need to push you the coach. That's a problem.
you should be pushing me. And so it's trying to figure out very, get really clear in your heads. This is my job. Like I'm the only person that can behave like this. I'm the only person. A lot of people that we work with our clients, they don't have a challenge network. They don't have someone that challenges them. You are that person. That's your job. You're uniquely positioned to be that person and they need you to be that person. Even if they never tell you that's what they want.
Amanda Kaufman (10:32)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (11:00)
it is our job. And so we have to almost like we're becoming, you have to accept like a sort of honest, intellectual, professional persona is what it means to be a great coach.
Amanda Kaufman (11:15)
I really love this. You're reminding me of another book that I read when I was much younger, younger. even before I became an entrepreneur and I was in corporate America I wanted to continue to progress as a consultant and a strategist. And the book was called, Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office.
And I remember being like shook by that book, but it basically, I read that book and I was like, that last cup of coffee I'm ever going to pour for someone other than my husband. know, you know, I, yeah. And it's just like certain behaviors that I realized I was unconscious of that were ultimately people pleasing behaviors. And you know, we can talk about how society brings us to do this and that and gender roles and yada yada. But I think, I think at the end of the day, it actually comes down to respect.
Chris Marr (11:36)
Right, okay.
Ugh.
Right!
Yes.
Right.
It's yes. So what I've learned is that it all starts with self-respect. Like if you imagine that there's this like, I don't know, like a piece of string or elastic band and like at one end it's your need to be liked and one end it's your self-respect. It's like they're both one of the same things. So as your self-respect increases, your need to be liked decreases, right? And it's like they're both attached to each other. So what you realize is like actually
Amanda Kaufman (12:10)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (12:30)
If I increase my self respect and I create my boundaries and I create my like what I can tolerate from now on or the things I'm going to stop doing or the things I'm going to say no to and I'm not going to do discounts anymore and I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to do that and I'm going to turn up like this, that all breeds self respect, a vote for yourself to do your best work. And as your self respect increases, your need to be liked decreases. And so what we've got is this, like this challenge for us to go actually
This isn't about me being liked by other people, which is external to me, something I can't control, all assumptions, all assuming how I'm perceived and instead going inwards and saying, actually, what are my own values? What do I want? What's my vision? How do I want to turn up in the world? And then getting your self respect to a 10, your need to be liked to a zero. And what I mean by that is that you do not need anything, need anything.
from your client, I don't need gratification, I don't need recognition, I don't need you to like me, I don't need you to be my friend because I've actually satisfied those needs other places in my life and therefore I can turn up here and be the coach that you need me to be.
Amanda Kaufman (13:46)
That's so huge. reminding me of some content that I did a year or two ago, and I was saying, if you're looking to get validation, don't start a coaching business. Get a puppy. They will love you unconditionally. The better thing to do, probably, is to work on yourself and yourself. Yeah, I love it.
Chris Marr (13:55)
Right. Right. Get a Labrador. Yeah, exactly.
Work on your own stuff, yeah exactly, that's exactly right. Yup.
Amanda Kaufman (14:09)
So good. So if somebody is like hearing this and they're thinking like, ooh, gosh, you know, I've got all these signposts, all these red flags of people pleasing. My experience is that when somebody realizes that.
Chris Marr (14:20)
Yeah.
Amanda Kaufman (14:25)
There's almost like this huge pullback, the snapback of like denial, you know, they kind of go through these five stages of grief around it. So somebody is recognizing that they have these people pleasing tendencies that maybe their self, their self regard and their self esteem is not as high as they maybe previously were aware of. What would you say are the top say three things that they need to need to do next?
Chris Marr (14:51)
Yeah, this is good. So recognizing like, just to reaffirm everything we've said so far, right? Your need to be liked will decrease as your self-respect increases, right? So you know that the action you need to take is something that increases your self-respect. Also knowing that your client respect, the respect you get from your client can never be higher than the respect you have for yourself, right? So the key is go inwards and figure out what you're going to draw back. I'm no longer going to tolerate something.
I'm going to take a vote for myself. I'm going to say, you know what? I'm not going to do that type of work anymore. I'm going to say no to that technical work or when I jump in to try and solve the problem for the client, I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm to draw a line. So somewhere in your work or in the things that you say yes to, you're going to start saying no to that now. So what is that for you? Right? Figure out where you need to draw a boundary. And when you say no to it, it might feel difficult and it might feel awkward, but you are taking a vote for yourself in that moment.
And so what I say, like if we could pick three things, let's do three things. But every single one of them, regardless of where this comes from for me right now in this moment, it's all about you changing something about you, changing your state and taking action around it. It's not a book. You don't need to read a book. You don't need to journal about it. You need to do it. And that is the, that's you closing the gap. You have to take the action here. So it's a boundary you need to create.
work that you no longer want to do. keep discounting, clients keep pushing back on your pricing and you discount them, stop doing that. Just say no to it, like now. Stop taking on clients that are bad fits and problems for you. Just stop it, turn them away. You're like, but what about the money? What about the revenue? Yeah, but every time you take a bad fit client, you can't take a good one. And it just sucks up your energy. Like stop doing the stuff that you resent or tend to resent.
and then you're unhappy in the own business that you've created. It's like, it's nuts. like figure out the things that you've been tolerating that make you unhappy. And if you're honest with yourself, you said to yourself, I don't really want to do that anymore. Say no to that thing. Like just start putting boundaries in place around all of these things. There's so many things you can do, but it's just trying to look at even just honestly, just one change increases your self respect.
and reduces your need to be liked and all of a sudden you start turning up in the world as this much more confident, self-assured, authoritative person. Right? I've actually got a video on my YouTube channel that's like 10 ways to stop being a people pleaser and there's loads of stuff in there as well.
Amanda Kaufman (17:33)
my gosh, okay, well, we'll make sure that we link that below in the show notes, because I think that that would be really awesome to watch. I'm gonna go check it out. I think that that's amazing that you did that. Chris, just rapid fire round. What are three things that help a coach not to suck?
Chris Marr (17:36)
Yeah.
not to suck. man. So look, this is, I think what we're talking about here is like, you've got to figure out a way to be comfortable turning up as you in the world, knowing that that's when you're going to attract the right people to you, right? Like people say, just like, Chris, you're like, you're intense. You can be a lot. I'm like, yeah. So like suck it up. Like chase me, like catch up with me or like find a different coach. It's like,
Amanda Kaufman (17:53)
Yeah.
Chris Marr (18:21)
this is it. This is the package deal. You're getting me. So like figure it out if it's the right fit for you or not, but I'm not changing for you. Do you know what I mean? It's like figure, just be, work on your shit and get, figure out who you need to be in this world. Right? That's the big picture stuff there. But to not suck, look, I guess this probably speaks to people pleasing as well, but like a lot of coaches go into things and I think this is what either
would either suck or what I would say more, maybe more accurately is they just can't be the best version of themselves, right? They just can't be a great coach. So like you go into a coaching session and you think you need to have all the answers. You're going to suck. You go in there, you think you need to be right. You make it all about you. You need to be the star. You're doing all the thinking. Like these are the things that are going to hold you back from turning up for the client.
Amanda Kaufman (18:59)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (19:18)
and making them the hero of their own journey. You turn up with all the answers, you turn up with the need to be right, you turn up to be the smartest person in the room, you sort of make it all about you and it's nothing to do with you. It's all about them. Even when they push back on you, that's about them. Right? And so I would say this is what gets coaches, this is what either, this is what has them, this not being the best.
Amanda Kaufman (19:21)
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (19:47)
coach that they can be, is there two in their head about it? You should be able to go in with your coaching skills and be a great coach regardless of the situation. If you had no time to prep, you should still be able to find the meaningful thing that we should be working on right now.
and not have to think too much about what the answers to these, so like these problems are the solutions to these problems. Like that's not it. And so I think we get up on our own head too much. We think too much. And we think that we need to put it all on us when really it's about delegating the problem to the client, using questions to help them self-discover the solution for themselves. Having those breakthroughs with your clients comes through questions, not through telling them. And so, you know, I think a lot of these skills
Amanda Kaufman (20:11)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Chris Marr (20:29)
sort of challenge us in our norms, but the really challenge is actually just relax, relax into it. Know that like, know that you're here to serve them. Get straight on your intentions and go in there with the intention to find something meaningful for them. And almost always it's going to work out exactly like that.
Amanda Kaufman (20:35)
you
That's so good. That's so good. Chris, we could seriously do a three hour episode. I just very much enjoyed this conversation. if people wanted to follow you and find out more, how do they best do that?
Chris Marr (20:58)
Yeah, I'm sure.
Yeah.
The best place is honestly is Instagram. Like all my, you're going to get my fresh content there. So it's just at the authoritative coach at Instagram. And then from there, you know, you'll find my podcast, my book, you know, all the good stuff's going to be there. when you go to Instagram.
Amanda Kaufman (21:24)
I love it. Well, Chris, thank you so much for joining us today.
Chris Marr (21:28)
Thank you for having me. It's been great to chat through these things. Thank you.
Amanda Kaufman (21:32)
And hey, thanks for listening to our episode. So do us a favor, make sure that you subscribe so you don't miss another really amazing session like this and give this episode a review. know, Chris really showed up today, so I think he deserves five stars, don't you? So make sure you take the time to give him a review so that others can find this episode and go ahead and proactively share.
Chris Marr (21:49)
Yeah, absolutely.
Amanda Kaufman (21:56)
this episode with three of your friends who want to show up more authoritatively as a coach and they are ready to let go of their people pleasing and show up as the best version of themselves. I'm so excited to see you in another episode and we'll see you soon.
